The hack Cast And Modern Marvels
by Starfish6
Summary: What happens when the .hack cast get stuck in rooms with modern marvels such as microwaves and hair dryers...? Read and find out. Warning: Adult language
1. Tsukasa vs the Microwave

Disclaimer: I do not own .hack, and sadly, I never will.  
  
~~Starfish = SF~~  
  
SF: We're here to find out what happens when we leave the cast of .hack//sign to modern day marvels... like the microwave.  
  
~~~  
  
Part 1 - Tsukasa vs. the Microwave  
  
Tsukasa: **walks into an empty room with a microwave in the middle of the floor** **the exits all seal themselves off** What the--?!?!  
  
SF: **gets on a loudspeaker system that talks into the room** Tsukasa...  
  
Tsukasa: **looks around** Who the hell?  
  
SF: I am... not your father.  
  
Tsukasa: Duh... now let me out of here.  
  
SF: NEVER!  
  
Tsukasa: Uh... what can I do to get you to let me out?  
  
SF: You must... nevermind this must stay PG-13.  
  
Tsukasa: What?!  
  
SF: NEVERMIND! Now... you must heat up a cold piece of pizza with... the microwave.  
  
People Reading: **gasp**  
  
Tsukasa: What?!  
  
SF: Use the microwave to overcome the challenge.  
  
Tsukasa: What challenge?  
  
SF: Just cook the damn pizza!  
  
Tsukasa: Ummm... **spots a piece of pizza on top of the microwave and puts it in** Now what?  
  
SF: Push the damn button! Geez... who knew someone so sexy could be so stupid...  
  
Tsukasa: WHAT?!  
  
SF: COOK!  
  
Tsukasa: **presses it so it goes on for 60 minutes** Ummm. I hope that's right.  
  
~~5 minutes later~~  
  
Pizza: **explodes**  
  
Tsukasa: Fuck... now I can't get out... Hey! Ummm... person with the loud voice...  
  
**silence**  
  
Tsukasa: HEY! Umm... maybe I could fix it. **opens the microwave and tries to take out the pizza with just his hands**  
  
Pizza: Mwahahahaha... **burns Tsukasa**  
  
Tsukasa: Ow!!! **throws the pizza against the wall**  
  
Pizza: **dies**  
  
Tsukasa: O.O That thing was alive... Ummm... Now to fix this... What do you call it? Ummm... whatever. **sticks his hand in the microwave and presses the 'on' button** **gets his hand burned** DAMMIT! Not again... WON'T ANYBODY HELP ME?!?!  
  
Readers: NO!  
  
Tsukasa: Aww man! I'm stuck here... With... this thing... **glares at the microwave**  
  
Microwave: **sits there**  
  
Tsukasa: So... what's your name?  
  
Microwave: **sits there**  
  
Tsukasa: ANSWER ME DAMMIT!  
  
Microwave: **sits there**  
  
Tsukasa: Fine... be a little punk.  
  
Readers: O.O;;;  
  
Tsukasa: STUPID! **kicks it** Why wont you talk?  
  
Microwave: **sits there**  
  
Tsukasa: PUNK!!!!  
  
Microwave: **sits there**  
  
Tsukasa: Ya, you just keep on sitting there like you own the place...  
  
Readers: O.O;;;  
  
Tsukasa: **sees a little piece of paper inside the microwave** ...? What's that? **takes it and reads** "This house belongs to... Mr... Microwa-" DAMN YOU, YOU STUPID... STUPID HEAD!  
  
SF: Kick it...  
  
Tsukasa: You again...  
  
SF: Kick it...  
  
Tsukasa: Why?  
  
SF: You know you want to...  
  
Tsukasa: Oh shut up!  
  
SF: Fine...  
  
Tsukasa: **looks around to make sure no ones watching, then kicks the microwave**  
  
Microwave: **sits there... very hard**  
  
Tsukasa: **hurts his foot kicking it** Ahhh! Stupid, stupid microwave!  
  
Microwave: **sits there**  
  
Tsukasa: ANSWER ME!!!!!!  
  
Microwave: **doesn't answer**  
  
Tsukasa: I despise you...  
  
SF: And it despises you...  
  
Tsukasa: **jumps** I thought you were gone!  
  
SF: I was but I felt like coming back.  
  
Tsukasa: Leave me alone!  
  
SF: If you eat the pizza... I will let you go.  
  
Tsukasa: Really?!  
  
SF: Maybe... eat it and see...  
  
Tsukasa: Why are you so mysterious?!  
  
SF: Am I mysterious... or is it your mind?  
  
Readers: O.O;;;  
  
Tsukasa: **confused** ... Shut up!!!  
  
SF: Fine...  
  
Tsukasa: Really?  
  
**silence**  
  
Tsukasa: **walks over to the pizza**  
  
Pizza: **stuck to the wall**  
  
Tsukasa: **pulls it off and quickly shoves it in his mouth and eats it** THERE!  
  
SF: Sorry, wasn't watching.  
  
Readers + Tsukasa: O.O;;;  
  
Tsukasa: NOOOOO! I have to get out of here! I have a-  
  
SF: Date?  
  
Tsukasa: No...! **blushes**  
  
SF: Oh reaaalllllyyy...  
  
Tsukasa: No!  
  
SF: With who? Mimiru? Or maybe... that little witch Subaru...  
  
Tsukasa: Not telling...  
  
SF: Maybe a date with me?  
  
Tsukasa: Ya right!  
  
SF: If you say yes I'll let you out... ^-_-^  
  
Tsukasa: Really? SF: Yes.  
  
Tsukasa: Really really?  
  
SF: Really really.  
  
Tsukasa: **sighs** OK... fine.  
  
**the doors open**  
  
SF: **comes walking in** ^_______^ **grabs him by the arm** You know, you could've just used a sprite ocarina.  
  
Tsukasa: O.O  
  
~~END PART ONE~~  
  
~~~  
  
SF: Stay tuned for part two coming out soon! It will be... Mimiru vs. the Hairdryer.  
  
Readers: **gasp**  
  
SF: I know. I'm so evil. If you didn't think much of this, don't worry... I didn't either. I just got really bored at two in the morning. But I still think it's funny. Part two will be better, trust me. Peace!  
  
Tsukasa: R + R and maybe I can get out of this date!!! 


	2. Mimiru vs the Hairdryer

Disclaimer: I unfortunately still don't own .hack... but I do own me. And Alex owns herself. And Kelly owns her interview. I suggest you read it! Her pen name is hack//FREAK  
  
~~Starfish = SF~~  
  
SF: Today we study the reactions when we trap the first person to step into the room with a hairdryer.  
  
~~~  
  
Part 2 - Mimiru vs. the Hairdryer  
  
Mimiru: **walks into a dark room with what looks like a person sitting in the middle of the room on a stool** What the--? **takes out her sword**  
  
Person: **sits there**  
  
Mimiru: Who are you?!  
  
**all the doors slam shut**  
  
Mimiru: Dammit... I'm locked in. Who are you?!  
  
Person: **sits there**  
  
Mimiru: **takes her sword and chops the persons head off**  
  
Persons Head: **falls to the floor**  
  
Readers: O.O;;;  
  
Mimiru: **gets a closer look at it** ... What the--?! It's just a dummy!  
  
Readers: Few...  
  
Mimiru: What the hell is going on?!  
  
Readers: Nothing... **innocent looks**  
  
SF: Mwahahaha... Put the head back on the dummy.  
  
Mimiru: O.O **picks up the head and puts it on the dummy**  
  
Dummy's Head: **stays**  
  
Mimiru: Now what?  
  
Mysterious Voice: Give me your sword... Mimiru: Who are you people?!  
  
SF: I am... Starfish!  
  
Mysterious Voice: And I am... Alex!  
  
Mimiru: Why do I have to give you my sword?  
  
Alex: You want to get out of there, don't you?  
  
Mimiru: So... it's a trade? My sword for my freedom?  
  
Alex: Ummm... yes... ya... that's it.  
  
SF: Now... put your sword on the ground by the door and step all the way to the other side of the room.  
  
Mimiru: **does as she's told**  
  
**the door opens, a hand reaches in and grabs Mimiru's sword, then the door closes again**  
  
Mimiru: Hey! I thought you were going to let me go!  
  
SF: Yes... we are... If you can work... the Hairdryer!  
  
Readers: **gasp**  
  
Alex: **singing** I have your swo-ord, I have your swo-ord!  
  
SF: MWAHAHA!  
  
Mimiru: What hairdryer?  
  
SF: The one... next to the dummy.  
  
Hairdryer: **lying on the floor next to the stool**  
  
Mimiru: **picks it up**  
  
SF: Mwahahaha... now, if you can dry that dummy's hair, then we'll let you go.  
  
Mimiru: And give me my sword back?  
  
Alex: NEVER!  
  
SF: No... we will only let you go! MWAHAHAHA!  
  
Mimiru: You guys are idiots... I know how to work a hairdryer.  
  
SF: **gasp** No, you don't! You don't know how! SHUT UP! **starts crying**  
  
Readers and Mimiru: O.O;;;  
  
Alex: Ummm... Then show us! Dry the dummy's hair!  
  
Mimiru: **turns on the hairdryer and dries the dummy's hair** There. I can do it, now let me go.  
  
SF: No... you didn't dry all of it's hair... ahahaha! There is still a wet spot...  
  
Mimiru: O.O;;; ... **looks the dummy's hair over and finds the wet spot, then dries it** There!  
  
SF: Too late. You failed.  
  
Mimiru: Does that mean I can't leave then?  
  
Alex: Yes, tis what it means.  
  
Mimiru: Then how am I supposed to get out?!  
  
SF: You're not...  
  
Mimiru: Oh come on! What can I do to get you to let me out?  
  
Alex: Bark like a dog!  
  
Mimiru and Readers: O.O;;;  
  
SF: Just do it!!  
  
Mimiru: O.O;;; **starts barking like a dog** Now can I go?!  
  
SF: No.  
  
Mimiru: Ugh!  
  
SF: Ooooh! I read a recent interview you had...  
  
Mimiru: Wha- what interview m-might that b-be?  
  
SF: The one with Kelly... You know, the one where Bear said you didn't wear unde-  
  
Mimiru: OK! That's enough!!!!!  
  
SF: -rwear... and then Sora asked him how he would know...  
  
Mimiru: WHO ARE YOU?!  
  
Alex: **laughing hysterically**  
  
Mimiru: LET ME GO!  
  
SF: We will let you go if...  
  
Mimiru: If...?  
  
Alex: If you kill Subaru!  
  
Mimiru: But I'd need my swor-  
  
Alex: NO YOU WOULDN'T!  
  
Mimiru: Fine... I'll kill her.  
  
SF: YAY! You may now go!  
  
**the doors open and Mimiru walks out**  
  
Alex: Swords are fun...  
  
SF: O.O;;;  
  
~~~  
  
SF: Hey, hey! How'd you like this one? I know... not as good as the first one... barely anything about the hairdryer...  
  
Alex: I GOT A SWORD!  
  
SF: Riiight...  
  
Mimiru: R + R while I go find Subaru... **sighs**  
  
Readers: O.O;;; 


	3. Subaru vs the Electric Toothbrush

Disclaimer: If you haven't figured it out by now, I don't own .hack!  
  
~~Starfish=SF~~  
  
SF: Sorry I have not updated, I know you've all been waiting but my computer crashed and I was too busy trying to get all of my stuff back to have any time to write. ^_^ It's all good now. Anyway, today we are waiting for Mimiru to get back with news of Subaru's death!  
  
~~~  
  
Part 3 - Subaru vs. the Electric Toothbrush  
  
Mimiru: **walks into the booth that SF stays in while torturing... er... having fun with the .hack characters**  
  
SF: **singing at the top of her lungs, back to the door**  
  
Mimiru: o.O... Er... Starfish?  
  
SF: **jumps** HOLY SHIT! **turns around** God dammit, what are you doing here? o.o  
  
Mimiru: Well, uh... I couldn't kill Subaru since I DIDN'T HAVE MY SWORD!!!! But... I brought her here so you can torture her!  
  
SF: o.o PURE GENIUS! ^____^ OK, you leave now; bring her into "the room". **mumbles** Guess I'm gonna have to switch Sora to next time...  
  
Readers: -_-;;;  
  
Mimiru: **walks out**  
  
Subaru: **walks into "the room"**  
  
~~All the doors slam shut~~  
  
SF: Mwahahahahahahaha... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Subaru: o.o... Where am I? **spots a lone stool in the middle of the room, something very tiny sitting on it** ...?  
  
SF: Pick it up... You KNOW you want to...  
  
Subaru: o.o... Er, may I ask who you are?  
  
SF: No, you may not. God dammit... I know!  
  
Readers: -_-  
  
SF: Stick your head in the water!  
  
Subaru: What? O.o Wouldn't I drown?  
  
SF: Nuuuuuuu... **innocent look**  
  
Subaru: -_- Yes I would.  
  
SF: Mwahahaha... I know!  
  
Microwave: **randomly appears on the stool**  
  
Subaru: What the-?  
  
SF: Now... stick the toothbrush in the microwave and... turn it on.  
  
Subaru: OK... **looks at the microwave** Open!  
  
Microwave: **sits there**  
  
Subaru: Are you mocking me? I said open!  
  
Readers: -_- God...  
  
Subaru: OPEN!  
  
Microwave: **doesn't open**  
  
SF: God... PRESS THE DAMN BUTTON ON THE BOTTOM!  
  
Subaru: **presses it**  
  
Microwave: **opens**  
  
Subaru: **puts the wet electric toothbrush in, that by the way is still on, and shuts the door** Now... turn on!  
  
Everyone including the Microwave: -_-;;;; **sigh**  
  
Mimiru: **randomly appears behind SF** Why do you want her to do this anyway?  
  
SF: God DAMMIT, stop doing that! **sigh** So that I can first of all, confuse her, and second of all, get the microwave to explode so that it kills her!  
  
Mimiru: ...lovely. o.o **sits down to watch**  
  
Subaru: o.o Oh ya... must be a switch! **starts circling around the microwave looking for a switch**  
  
Switch: **not there**  
  
Subaru: Must be one somewhere... **walks over to the wall that the microwave is plugged in to and flips a switch that's next to it**  
  
~~All the lights and everything in the building go off~~  
  
SF: ... o.o ... BAKA!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Mimiru: Can't... see!  
  
Subaru: Erm... That didn't quite work out the way I expected it to...  
  
Microwave: **light coming from it**  
  
Everyone: O.O;;;;;;  
  
Subaru: **walks over to the microwave... looks creepy in the glow coming from it**  
  
SF: O.O Scary...  
  
Mimiru: Why... is it... still... on? o.o  
  
SF: No clue. O.O  
  
Subaru: **pokes it** Turn ON!  
  
SF: I THINK IT'S MOCKING YOU, SUBARU! ^_^  
  
Subaru: I KNEW IT! **picks it up and throws it against the wall**  
  
Microwave: o.o Ow...  
  
Everyone: **not surprised**  
  
SF: Hmmm... a talking microwave... that's not new. -_-  
  
Mimiru: Nope... but, a talking pizza... now THAT'S priceless!  
  
SF: XD Exactly!  
  
Microwave: **turns on**  
  
Everyone: O.O  
  
~~Still dark~~  
  
Subaru: **walks over to it** ^_^ I'm good, go me, go m-  
  
Microwave: **explodes**  
  
SF: YAY!  
  
Mimiru: o.O  
  
~~Dust clears~~  
  
Subaru: **standing there, hands clenched, hair sticking straight up and dress torn, looking very mad** Gr...  
  
SF: Meh-be we should let her go... o.o  
  
Mimiru: O.O I agree.  
  
SF: **slams down the button to open the doors**  
  
Subaru: ^_^ Thank you! **walks out**  
  
Everyone: O.O  
  
~~END PART THREE~~  
  
~~~  
  
SF: Ya, this wasn't as good as the first one. Then again... what is as good as the first one? Like in movies, the first one's usually always the best... Er... I'll go now! ^_^ R + R!  
  
Mimiru: Er... why do people say R + R? I mean, if you got all the way down here, you've already read, haven't you? HAVEN'T YOU?!  
  
SF: O.O 


End file.
